"

The way he laughed echoed in my head and I couldn’t stop trying to imitate his beautiful smile.

Maybe it’s just the post-breakup feeling or maybe I want him back.

"

"i used to be sad all the time but now im just so fucking angry. im angry that im up until three in the morning every single day with the thought of you stuck on replay because no matter how many times I try to shatter the record, my record player has your voice memorized and you are all i can hear in the quiet of my room and you are haunting me and you’re not even a fucking a ghost and i am so tired of being haunted by the living. i am angry because every song is about you. every song brings me back to you and reminds me of your eyes or your voice or your laugh and how it was a melody to my ears, how it was the thing that soothed me on my darkest nights and how now, i am implacable and my music is so loud all i can hear is the song that’s playing but between songs your name slips in and it kills me. im so angry that you slipped away from me. no. you didn’t slip away because i held you so tight and you pried my fingers away from your ribs and you pushed me away without any hint of goodbye and im so angry that i let it happen again. because i thought this time, you’d be the one who stayed but again, someone has left me. and im convicted i am locked down but you keep getting in and i know it’s my fault because i cannot stop leaving the key under my “welcome home” matt and i know nothing is inviting about letting ghosts of past lovers inside of your very own house but jesus fuck this is the only way i can get by without suffocating and choking up my lungs and im afraid that bullet holes were never just scratch the surface wounds because i have a war zone in my head and the bullets keep grazing my chest and there is nothing romantic about the way you force me to swallow gun powder because now i am a ticking time bomb and you convinced me it would save me but i am afraid if i hear your name im going to explode and obliterate everything in my path. you have made me destructive but still i am open arms for you and i am so angry at myself for letting it happen again but i must keep you alive and the only way i can reach you anymore is by turning off the lights and waiting for the haunting with tears streaming down my face and shaky hands, i will close my curtains, shut off the lights, and wait. i am ready for your return. i am not scared anymore. haunt me, please."

"

Don’t fall in love with a good guy.

Because when he leaves, you cannot hate him. You will think of all of the things he always did right; hating him will be so impossible, and loving him will still be so easy.

Because he’ll want to be your friend. And you’ll want to be his, too. But catching up with him every 6 weeks will not be enough for your heart, and being his friend will be the most elaborate method of self-harm.

Because he’ll still be the boy you fell in love with. When it’s all said and done, he won’t be anyone except exactly who you knew he was. And how do you fall out of love with the same exact characteristics that made you fall in love in the first place?

So don’t date a good boy. Because when a bad boy leaves, at least you saw it coming. When a bad boy leaves, at least you can hate him. When a bad boy leaves, at least you can tell yourself that you were an idiot for falling for him in the first place.

But with him— you did not see it coming. You can not hate him. You can not tell yourself you shouldn’t have fallen in love. Because he was a good boy, and good boys are good even when they leave you.

"

"

My first heartbreak was not a boy that broke up with me on the playground, or a boy that never loved be back. My first heartbreak was not some boy that I thought was ‘the one’ at 13.

My first heartbreak happened when I was at 14, I was at my great aunts funeral. And the man I looked up to, the man that is the strength of my family, the man that I look up to more than anyone - my Pa, stood in front of a room full of people that loved his sister and began to cry.

I have only once seen my Pa cry, and it was that day. That was the day my heart broke, and I realized that the world can break anyone it wishes to.

"